Today, one of my bosses gave me the following "project": Find him a cell phone to rent, find out how much it costs, and then go rent it for him. This was after my last "project," which was to find a way to check out a book for him at a library at which I do not have borrowing privileges. It was followed by a request to Google a list of names to ascertain everyone's professional affiliation and its spelling.
Um, I object?
So far, I have done nothing interesting this week. Not only have I not done anything, I have not spoken with anyone (except this one girl who introduced herself to me and commiserated with my hatred of Washington). I wasn't even introduced to anyone with whom I could speak. I was just shown the coffee machine, the copier, my computer, and set to work summarizing conference transcripts.
In short, this sucks.
But Miss Self-Important does not passively accept such suckage, especially considering how much of a hassle it was to come all the way to Washington just so she could order someone a cell phone. So what is Miss Self-Important to do? I have compiled the following list of possibilities:
1) Rent said cell phone for boss and drop it out the window, leaving him to pay the replacement cost.
2) Rent said cell phone and place a lot of calls to Dubai before handing it over to him.
3) Take naps at work.
4) Read books at work.
5) Stop coming to work.
Alas, the Gods of the Metcalf Program will probably hurl thunderbolts at me if I do any of these things. I am, as I was told, being monitored and evaluated. So what to do instead? After some thought, I concluded that my best strategy was simply to become the laziest person ever. All work will be done so slowly that they will wish they never gave it to me in the first place. Moreover, I will write a novel in my now considerable free time at work. I will write the entire thing AT WORK. And then I will publish it with a dedication to my employer, for giving me so much freedom on the job.
Also, the people I went to high school with call themselves things like LizzyBizzyFunnyWunny on MySpace. I think it is time to delete my account.