Running on the anti-toll booth ticket

I sent away for my absentee ballot today, and in exchange, received a list of Illinois' non-Presidential primary candidates currently on the ballot. From the looks of things, the Illinois GOP is in excellent shape. For example, here are our US Senate candidates:

Mike Psak: Self-proclaimed "Trucker/MBA/Republican." Website in size 600 font, for the vision-impaired. Has come up with his "own economic theory which I call The Theory of Non-Productivity." (No further explanation provided.) Takes firm stands on the important issues facing our country, of which there are precisely three:
1. Eliminate toll booths nation-wide
2. Eliminate pork-barrel spending
3. Make the Labor Code fair
I know; I too lose sleep at night over the injustice of toll booths.

Andy Martin: Some conflict regarding his dual campaigns for Senate from both Illinois and Florida. Says candidate: "Andy Martin has been a leading corruption fighter in Illinois spanning five decades." Says Wikipedia: "Martin has been sanctioned in federal court for filing hundreds of lawsuits without merit." Not actually a Republican, evidently not actually a sane person.

Steve Sauerberg: Would like you to know that, whoever he is and whatever he supports (both surprisingly unclear), he is, above all, Not Dick Durbin. So when you see his name on the ballot in November (which you will, because he will distinguish himself in the Republican primary by being Not Crazy), all you need to know is that whatever Dick Durbin is, he is not. For example, whereas Dick Durbin is the winner of the '08 Illinois Senate race, Steve Sauerberg is not.

In my beloved 9th District, things look no better. This year's hopeless Schakowsky opponent is some Assyrian guy. He's not a terrible candidate (at least not compared to '06's illiterate lunatic anti-statist) if it weren't for his apparent inability to write grammatically or say anything in the process. In order to orient potential voters, for example, his site asks the all-important question, "Whose District Your In?" Given that most of his platform is lifted wholesale out of the Mainstream Republican Playbook, it is disconcerting when the copying turns out like this: "Illegal immigration will not be tolerated. It is illegal" (Srsly?) "If there are illegal immigrants we must consider some form of amnesty with retribution and a penalty to society." I am almost tempted to volunteer as a copy-editor for his campaign. (Call me, Michael Younan! I am free evenings and weekends!)

Looking at these races, you'd never guess that the GOP is actually supported by about half the country. On the bright side though, such a dismal status quo makes my future campaign that much more promising.