Dear U of C Alumni Association,
First, I just want to thank you for all the postcards and emails you've sent me in the last year reminding me that, once, long ago, I attended the U of C. Without this constant prodding, I'm certain I would've forgotten.
And you know, now that you point it out, I do recall those "great times" I had writing my BA and studying for finals, and I recall specifically how much those times made me wish I could just give back, you know? Like, there was this one time when I was in the library at 3 AM memorizing Greek verbs for a final I was doomed to fail when it occurred to me, "I really wish I could sign over this month's paychecks to The College Fund, the Study Abroad Fund, the Renovate the Third Windowframe From the Right Near The Entrance to Cobb Hall Fund, and all the rest right now." Alumni Association, I failed you that morning by not acting on the desire, and I've had to live with the heavy burden of my guilt ever since. I repent, and thanks to your convenient weekly gifts of self-addressed, stamped envelopes, and your bi-weekly email links to the website, I can now absolve myself easily and frequently.
Finally, regarding your continuous stream of invitations to my "one-year reunion," I am like so super excited! OMG, I can't wait to reconnect with all my really close friends that I haven't spoken to in a year and tell them about all the exciting things that have happened to me since then. Like, how I dropped a giant plank on my foot and killed my toe. Man, life just flies by, you know? One day, you're tossing your mortarboard at graduation, and the next, you've hit the toe-killing milestone that we all dread. I mean, what's next--grandkids?
Be assured, Alumni Association, the checks will be in the mail, just as soon as I finish going through these fascinating Core Magazines that now come appended to the Alumni magazine, because just one nostalgia trip a month is never enough.
PS: Alumni Association, you should totally consider this for your magazine.