Me: So what are you doing this weekend, 27-year-old defense analyst roommate?
Roommate 1: I'm thinking of inviting some people over, getting a keg, playing beer pong, and trashing our house, actually. How about you?
Me: It's 2:30 AM and the fire alarm has gone off twice in the last 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Roommate 2: We got really drunk and decided we needed to cook these shrimp skewers RIGHT NOW, preferably on the stove, so that the wooden sticks could catch fire and repeatedly set off the alarm.
Me: That is interesting. And why are you screaming?
Roommate 2: There is a giant praying mantis on our kitchen wall and we don't know how to get rid of it.
Me: So there is. It looks to be about a foot long. Good luck with that.
Me: Our roommates threw a party last night. That's why there are glasses buried in our backyard, and charred shrimp on the stove, and the floor is covered in potato chips, which the cat is now eating.
Roommate 3: I will kill them.
Me: I will help you.