Dear U of C NSIT,
So I was minding my business a couple days ago, NSIT--checking my email, reading the news, looking up an article in the Chronicle of Higher Ed, when suddenly, SUDDENLY, I received a horrible and unexpected message from the U of C proxy server after inputing my login information. I believe it read, "Deny." Yes, DENY. The proxy server no longer recognizes my login. I thought maybe this was just some weird network glitch, and I consulted with Julia about this tragedy:
me: can you log into jstor w/ your cnet id?
Julia: hold on
Julia: omg omg omg
What could this mean, other than that YOU had removed me from the system, NSIT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??? Do you know what that proxy server meant to me? I used it every day for my job! I used it for fun! I was using it to look up articles for grad school when you abruptly and cruelly cut me off like you were some sort of religious zealot and I your wayward daughter who got knocked up at 14. What have I done to deserve this?
Julia, in a state of denial, surmised that it could just be a temporary network error that you, NSIT, would swiftly repair. But I was far too charitable in believing that you would ever be so gracious, conniving NSIT. I checked again yesterday, and what did I get? DENY. You are crushing me, NSIT!
Now what am I supposed to do, NSIT? How can I look up the very articles that will help me get into grad school so I can renew my networking privileges if you block my access? Do you even realize the cruel cycle you're perpetuating here, NSIT? By preventing me from doing research now, you are foreclosing my ability to do research in the future--you are effectively crushing my academic career before it begins, EVIL NSIT GNOMES.
Ok, I know that I don't actually go to the U of C anymore and so I don't strictly deserve network access. But don't my four years of tuition payments cover the miniscule marginal cost of retaining my proxy access? What is that, about five cents a year? Less? Seriously. You can take my email and my home page and my log-in at the library NSIT, but leave me my electronic databases! Even my $5 annual donation to my alma mater would cover that. And think of the huge service you could do me, stingy NSIT twerps. Maybe one day, I would even donate $6, and earmark it for your usage. But now you will never see such a boon.
Anyway, NSIT, I just wanted to let you know that I hate you, and if I ever go back to Chicago, I will make it a point to leave freshly chewed gum outside your door so that you get it all over your shoes on your way out.