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Sunday, May 15, 2016

Notes on baby sleep

1. When strangers strike up conversation with me about the baby (the sharp increase in unsolicited stranger interactions is an additional benefit of having a baby), the order of their questions is invariably: what's her name, how old is she, how's she sleeping? I know baby sleep is a fraught topic, but how could strangers have any real interest in my baby's sleep patterns? I have no interest in anyone else's sleep patterns, not even my friends' (sorry). I oblige them with a response (pretty well), but the prevalence of the question continues to puzzle.

2. I actually don't know if Goomba is sleeping pretty well. I only know that she sleeps the requisite number of hours per day that the baby books suggest. But I also think the baby books are full of lies about sleep training. They're all like, "Just toss your kid in the crib and shut the door and plug your ears. Don't worry, she won't cry for more than 40 minutes! And she'll sleep through the night (except for the 90% chance that she'll wake up at midnight to eat). And within three days, you won't even hear a peep out of her when you put her down. She will practically be begging for naps! She will learn to talk just so she can say, 'May I please be put to bed now, Mother?' It's gonna be great!" This is a lie. It is true that Goomba has never cried for more than 40 minutes and that she sleeps for many hours after crying. But it is not true that she doesn't cry. "Sleep training" is a false advertisement. There is (eventual) sleep, yes, but no training. Or, at least the baby is not the one being trained. If anything, it trains parents to withstand willful baby crying and to enforce baby sleep. Which is fine if it's all that can realistically be achieved with a pre-rational creature whose driving passion in life is to be held all the time, but the sleep-training gurus should just admit that. When you read further into the books, there are some disclaimers about how maybe the magic won't happen quite as quickly as three days, and maybe you just have to keep at it for a while until the child finally achieves protest-free sleep. I suspect that will occur closer to 10 years than three days.

3. Up to about five months, Goomba would fall asleep as if by spontaneous collapse. There was no gradual drifting off like an adult, but instead, normal activity or even howling one minute, unconsciousness the next. This was especially funny in the cases of howling. Now she drifts off, in principle, except she mostly prefers not to sleep at all. I miss the days of spontaneous collapse. It was the cutest thing.

4. Before the instruction to put babies to sleep on their backs became widespread, it was apparently very common to sleep babies on their stomachs. But most babies hate "tummy time" until pretty late into their first year, when they're already rolling and sitting and therefore not stranded like sad, overturned turtles when they're put on their stomachs. How then was it possible that a majority of infants used to be put to sleep on their stomachs from birth? This question has been bugging me for many months.

7 comments:

Stuart Buck said...

People ask about a baby's sleep because it's just a way of showing sympathy for a pretty miserable experience on the parents' part.

Miss Self-Important said...

But some babies probably sleep pretty well, and this is like a challenge: is your baby difficult or not? They should pick some aspect of baby care that is universally miserable, like poop.

Withywindle said...

This is what we don't say to you: "WE KNOW HOW BABIES SLEPT ON THEIR STOMACH AND YOU DON'T, MWAH HAH HAH!"

But because we're polite, we say instead, "How's she sleeping?" We figure it will bug you less.

Thank you.

Miss Self-Important said...

What if stomach sleeping was the key to good sleep in the past, and now no one knows how it was done and no one's babies sleep well, so the whole situation is a devolution towards barbarism?

Stuart Buck said...

At some point sleeping gets better, but no newborn is going to sleep more than 2 or 3 hours at a time. Miserable for a parent who isn't used to waking up that often, for 30 minutes or more at a time.

Withywindle said...

Yup.

Miss Self-Important said...

But the baby sleep books say otherwise...